A Nightmare I want to wake up from by CJ

Lola,

Neal and I were driving today to do simple errands when it hit us that you are really gone. Why does it sometimes feel like you passing away was a horrible nightmare and we feel that we can still drive to Long Beach and you'd be in your usual spot? Now that we are all back to our 'normal' lives...you passing away doesn't seem real. I feel like I will drive to Long Beach and we will find you either on the couch watching tv, you sitting on the counter eating or in your bedroom praying? I hope you give me strength and courage to be able to face the days of when we visit Long Beach and you are no longer physically there. How I am going to miss it so much that we come in...Socks runs to you and I leave Savannah by your feet while I get our stuff in the car. And when I come back you're already swaying her carseat singing to her and saying how big she has gotten. How I am going to miss when Neal comes in and you scream for joy...you speak to him in tagalog and he speaks to you in english and somehow you understand each other. How I am going to miss coming in and giving you a kiss on the lips and say "I Love You".

This weekend will be my first time since you have been buried that I will come visit your house. How I wish on everything that you will be there when we come this weekend. Instead, I will be watching your funeral video. The funeral that I couldn't go to. The funeral when you were laid to rest and I couldn't be there to give you one final kiss. I won't ever know how hot it was in the Philippines, know how many people were there to support our family, hear everyone's tears come down, or how your burial site even looks when you were laid to rest. I have to rely on the video and other's stories. How I wish that you were here to tell me every detail. How I wish I could've held your hand longer and kiss you a million times.

Are you really gone? There are days when I don't believe it and there are days that I accept it. And when I don't believe it you give me some kind of sign. Earlier this evening Maggie and I were talking about how it doesn't feel real and 2 seconds later the song "One Sweet Day" came on. Maggie and I got pits in our stomachs...

Every single time my heart and mind is in denial...you give me some kind of sign that you are indeed gone but very much with us at the same time. I only hope that this will continue for the rest of our lives. Please continue to watch over us...help me raise Savannah, be a good wife, daugther and person. As much as I want this to be a nightmare and wake up from it, it is real that you really are gone...

But why can't I still believe it???

ONE SWEET DAY LYRICS

Sorry, I've never told you, all I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feelin' and knowing you, hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I'll see you in Heaven
Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mariah-carey-lyrics/one-sweet-day-lyrics.html -]

I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Picture a little scene from Heaven

Although, the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry, I never told you
All I wanted to say