On the day of her viewing here in Long Beach...out of the 9 hours that we were there...I sat next to her for 8 1/2 hours. I feel I couldn't leave...I knew that this was the last time I would be able to spend time with her. I didn't know what I wanted out of it...but I just couldn't get my body out of the room.
But after only an hour of sitting in there...I knew I had a purpose. Everyone that came in would pay their last respects but also told a short little story about Lola or something special about Lola. It brought tears to my eyes, made my heart hurt even more to hear these things...knowing that they can never happen again. But now that is has been a couple weeks...I appreciate and love all the stories that I heard.
It brought me joy to hear how she was in the Philipines. It brought memories back to see all the children who she all took care of. It made me laugh when people who loved to wear cologne and perfume all came up to her and said she could no longer get a headache from them. It made me appreciate our time with her everytime family in the Philippines came up. And it made me smile every time someone told their story of how Lola made them laugh and always had a smile on her face. But it warmed my heart that everyone commented on how beautiful and peaceful she looked.
But at the same time it brought me sadness and heartache when I would hear her arrangements of flying back and getting buried. It brought me anxiety every time the man that worked there would give us the countdown to how much more time we had with her. And my heart was literally broken into pieces when it was time to close the casket.
A little piece of my heart will always be missing because she was such a big part of it. But I will cherish and enjoy all the memories, stories and lessons that she has left with me. This grieving is a struggle. One day I accept it, one day I'm sad, one day I don't believe it, one day I'm glad she is no longer suffering. All I hope is that one day, this will all make sense and that when I leave this earth I would have made the same impression in someone's life.
I know she is watching over us..she has definately given us signs. She is in heaven looking down on us somehow still teaching us lessons. She is in heaven loving us unconditionally. She is in heaven joking around and somehow making us still laugh.
She is in heaven peacefully....that is all I can ask for.
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