A Nightmare I want to wake up from by CJ

Lola,

Neal and I were driving today to do simple errands when it hit us that you are really gone. Why does it sometimes feel like you passing away was a horrible nightmare and we feel that we can still drive to Long Beach and you'd be in your usual spot? Now that we are all back to our 'normal' lives...you passing away doesn't seem real. I feel like I will drive to Long Beach and we will find you either on the couch watching tv, you sitting on the counter eating or in your bedroom praying? I hope you give me strength and courage to be able to face the days of when we visit Long Beach and you are no longer physically there. How I am going to miss it so much that we come in...Socks runs to you and I leave Savannah by your feet while I get our stuff in the car. And when I come back you're already swaying her carseat singing to her and saying how big she has gotten. How I am going to miss when Neal comes in and you scream for joy...you speak to him in tagalog and he speaks to you in english and somehow you understand each other. How I am going to miss coming in and giving you a kiss on the lips and say "I Love You".

This weekend will be my first time since you have been buried that I will come visit your house. How I wish on everything that you will be there when we come this weekend. Instead, I will be watching your funeral video. The funeral that I couldn't go to. The funeral when you were laid to rest and I couldn't be there to give you one final kiss. I won't ever know how hot it was in the Philippines, know how many people were there to support our family, hear everyone's tears come down, or how your burial site even looks when you were laid to rest. I have to rely on the video and other's stories. How I wish that you were here to tell me every detail. How I wish I could've held your hand longer and kiss you a million times.

Are you really gone? There are days when I don't believe it and there are days that I accept it. And when I don't believe it you give me some kind of sign. Earlier this evening Maggie and I were talking about how it doesn't feel real and 2 seconds later the song "One Sweet Day" came on. Maggie and I got pits in our stomachs...

Every single time my heart and mind is in denial...you give me some kind of sign that you are indeed gone but very much with us at the same time. I only hope that this will continue for the rest of our lives. Please continue to watch over us...help me raise Savannah, be a good wife, daugther and person. As much as I want this to be a nightmare and wake up from it, it is real that you really are gone...

But why can't I still believe it???

ONE SWEET DAY LYRICS

Sorry, I've never told you, all I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away
Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feelin' and knowing you, hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I'll see you in Heaven
Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mariah-carey-lyrics/one-sweet-day-lyrics.html -]

I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Picture a little scene from Heaven

Although, the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry, I never told you
All I wanted to say

Lola, I miss you and Love you everyday by Maggie Manalo

 

Lola, I miss you and Love you everyday. Every night I pray that you are happy, that you are living in Heaven with peace and harmony with your family. I miss coming to visit you... How I wish I could drive to your house after school, and you would be there to greet me. I wish that Auntie Monet would text me like she usually does, asking me if I am free to take you to your doctors appointments. Whenever I would pick you up, you would always wait outside of the porch for me and I would tell you to not wait outside because you might get cold... I wish that when I drove to Long Beach, you would be there on the porch with your black bag, your blue placard and little hat sitting patiently. How I wish I could have those short moments with you again, to see you, to hug you and kiss you.

I miss j...ust knowing what you had to eat for breakfast... to visit you at the hospital during lunch time to make sure you never had to eat alone. I miss sleeping next to you when I was a kid, and then again when you were in the hospital. I miss being closer to you, to feel your hands embrace and warm cheek. I miss everything about you, your voice, your smile, your laughter, your presence.

Lola you have guided me throughout my whole life... and I pray that you will continue to be with me and lead me to the right path. I feel burdened with a pain that longs to be near you... but I am at peace knowing that you are in the Philippines like you wished. I miss you, more and more everyday... i miss my best friend, my mother, my grandmother, my everything.

"kamusta ka INAY?" by Joy Cemania Rolle

 

"kamusta kana INAY?!sana lagi kang ok at maging kaung lahat jan ...kami naman po dito ay ok lang din...wag nyo pong pababayaan ang sarili nyo,,,and ingat po kayong lahat jan palagi."..........pangkaraniwang laman ng sulat na ipinapadala sa amerika para kay INAY nung hindi pa uso ang kamustahan via internet,text or long distance na tawag (mahal kasi)hehehe...alam ko, dahil ganito rin ang laman ng mga sulat na ginawa ko pra sa kanya nung ako ay maliit pa, ika nga ng matatanda eh musmos pa..sulat na maiksi pero makabuluhan na para sa kanya at nakapagdudulot na sa kanya ng saya gaya ng kuwento ng mga kamag-anak namin sa amerika na palaging kasa-kasama niya...simpleng pag sagot nya lang sa sulat ko ay masaya na ako..thinking na "ay binasa nya talaga ang liham ko"....masaya na ako nun..na kahit papano kahit sa sulat lang nakasama ko si INAY ng kaming dalawa lang...hindi ako makasariling tao...pero sa dami naming magpipinsan normal lang na hindi lahat sa amin lalo na dito sa pilipinas ay nabibigyan nya ng atensyon nya, mabigyan man subalit magkakahati kami..dahil malimit sama-sama at isang kulumpon kami (syempre mga bata pa,,hehehe)...pero kahit ganun masaya na rin ako...

naalala ko pa, tuwing uuwi siya dito sama-sama kaming natutulog sa balkonahe (kung tawagin)..kaming magpipinsan mapababae man o lalaki...tabi-tabi kami dun.at bago matulog lalabas si INAY ng kwarto nya para silipin kami at kasiyahan na pag nakihalubilo sya at nagsimula na ng kanyang mga kwentong iba-iba ang tema...pwedeng comedy,horror at pag minsan drama na nauuwi din s komedya dahil front lang pala ang drama....(hahaha)..at sa umaga pag gising asahan mo na (lalo na sa aming mga babae) andyan na ang maagang sukatan ng ---- (alam niyo na yun...) ang manalo, PISO!!hahaha.masaya na kami nun lalo na ako....

hindi ko alam pero sa tuwing uuwi sila dito para magbakasyon eh super excited ako...ibang pkiramdam...masaya na sabik na hindi mo malaman.siguro nga dahil sa isang banda naghahangad ako na ika nga eh maka-1 on 1 si INAY...hindi para dumaing ng problema kung hindi dahil sa gusto ko lang sigurong makasama sya ng kami lang, maramdaman ang higpit ng yakap ng isa LOLA sa isang apo (though naranasan ko naman ngunit hindi ganung katagal as in saglit lang dahil marami pang nakapila na mga pinsan kong gusto ring mayakap at makasama sya...), makalaro siya ng tipong LOLA-APO na sinaryo, mahawakan ang kamay nya at magabayan sya or maalalayan man lang sa tuwing siya ay tatayo at maglalakad...ay pati na rin ngapala ang makatabi ko siya sa pagtulog eh super inasam ko rin (kasi naman hindi kami pwedeng lahat mahiga sa kama niya sa TAAS kasi hindi kasya)hehehe...
at kapag pabalik na sila ng amerika at ang araw na makakasama namin sya dito ay patapos na naku hanggang tingin na lang ang paghatid ko sa kanya (syempre kasi naman hindi lahat ay pwedeng maghatid dahil sa upuan sa sasakyan kung baga sa mall LIMITED OFFER lng ang stock..nyahahaha)....pero ayos lang may ibang pagkakataon pa naman...sa susunod na lang...

marahil nga siguro ay sabik lang ako sa kalinga niya..and malamang ganun din ang pakiramadam ng iba......and ngayon nga na si INAY ay nasa piling na ng lumikha sa ating lahat,,,sa isang banda ay ganun na lang ang lungkot ko, ang panghihinayang na sa kabilang banda eh napakarami ko pa palang gustong magawa o maranasan na kasama siya, marami pa pala akong mga kwento na nais kong (kung baga sa facebook) eh ishare sa kanya, ang araw ng pagtatapos ko sa kolehiyo, ang unang trabaho ko, ang bansang napuntahan ko, ang pagpasok ko sa buhay may asawa at lalo na sa anak kong si LUCAS...and mostly yung panghihinayang na hindi ko naiparamdam sa kanya ng personal na super love ko siya...

hay!sadyang maraming napasaya si INAY TONENG...(bakit nga ba INAY at hindi LOLA?baka kasi may nagtatanong...hehehhe....naririnig kasi namin noon sa mga magulang at nakatatanda na INAY ang tawag sa kanya kaya ayon naki-uso na rin kami...hahaha) at ngayon siguro talagang nakaplano na kay GOD na kunin siya....siguro isipin ko na lang na yun ay dahil siya naman ang gustong bigyan ni GOD ng kasiyahan..yun ay ang makapiling na niyang muli ang aming LOLO FLORENCIO, ang kanyang pinakamamahal na asawa...

kaya ngayon INAY........siguro hindi ka naman magtatampo kung hindi na kita kakamustahin....bakit?KASI PO NGAYON ALAM KO NAMAN NA OK NA PO KAYO, HINDI NA PO KAYO MAKARARANAS PA NG ANUMANG KARAMDAMAN AT HIGIT SA LAHAT MASAYA NA PO KAYO KAPILING SI LOLO AT SI GOD.....

I LOVE YOU LOLA "INAY" ANTONINA "TONENG" CEMANIA....

Joy

Lola's Viewing

On the day of her viewing here in Long Beach...out of the 9 hours that we were there...I sat next to her for 8 1/2 hours. I feel I couldn't leave...I knew that this was the last time I would be able to spend time with her. I didn't know what I wanted out of it...but I just couldn't get my body out of the room.

But after only an hour of sitting in there...I knew I had a purpose. Everyone that came in would pay their last respects but also told a short little story about Lola or something special about Lola. It brought tears to my eyes, made my heart hurt even more to hear these things...knowing that they can never happen again. But now that is has been a couple weeks...I appreciate and love all the stories that I heard.

It brought me joy to hear how she was in the Philipines. It brought memories back to see all the children who she all took care of. It made me laugh when people who loved to wear cologne and perfume all came up to her and said she could no longer get a headache from them. It made me appreciate our time with her everytime family in the Philippines came up. And it made me smile every time someone told their story of how Lola made them laugh and always had a smile on her face. But it warmed my heart that everyone commented on how beautiful and peaceful she looked.

But at the same time it brought me sadness and heartache when I would hear her arrangements of flying back and getting buried. It brought me anxiety every time the man that worked there would give us the countdown to how much more time we had with her. And my heart was literally broken into pieces when it was time to close the casket.

A little piece of my heart will always be missing because she was such a big part of it. But I will cherish and enjoy all the memories, stories and lessons that she has left with me. This grieving is a struggle. One day I accept it, one day I'm sad, one day I don't believe it, one day I'm glad she is no longer suffering. All I hope is that one day, this will all make sense and that when I leave this earth I would have made the same impression in someone's life.

I know she is watching over us..she has definately given us signs. She is in heaven looking down on us somehow still teaching us lessons. She is in heaven loving us unconditionally. She is in heaven joking around and somehow making us still laugh.

She is in heaven peacefully....that is all I can ask for.

Favorites & Secrets

While Lola was still alive Maggie and I would always fight for Lola's love. We always joked around with her and would ask and even bribe her to say who her favorite person was. She would never admit but behind closed doors she would whisper and share who it was.

Neal asked me on the night of the viewing "What is Lola's favorite color?" For the first time I didn't know the answer...and it made me sad that I didn't know that about Lola. The best answer I came up with was that she loved them equally and gave them all the same attention. But later that night I couldn't settle with that conclusion so I asked Ate Monette. She had the same look on my face that I had...and quickly replied "They were all her favorite!"

When she passed away it obviously affected everyone. Day by day...I heard everyone's story with her...everyone's little secrets...everyone's little inside jokes with her...everyone's story of how she made them feel that she was their favorite.
We all have that special bond with her and in return..she made us all feel that we were her special person. She and I have a comedic/loving bond. She always made me feel special and her favorite because we had the love for the arts and details. We loved telling stories and spending time together. She had a special bond with my sister from birth. They have a special blanket that they share and went out on dates. Then I slowly found out that her secret atm codes are Ate Norie's birthday...even though she was thousands of miles away she has a special place in her heart. Every person she has loved she has taken a little bit of their secrets with her throughout life.

With her sons and daugthers...she always made them feel like they were the favorite...would tell them not to tell the other sibling that she gave them this or told them that...but in reality she has equally done the same to others. But because you thought you had that special bond with her...you  never let the other people know because you wanted that one special bond to be between you and her.

It is amazing how humble, simple and ordinary Lola was. But by doing all these humble, simple, ordinary things...it has made her amazing, unique and extraordinary.

How I would love to sit her down now and find out all her favorites and secrets...

Even after she has passed...we are still learning lessons from her everyday. The favortism wasn't the type of favorism that made people feel jealous or obvious...it was the type of favorism that made you and others feel warm, comforted and loved.So, today...go out and tell someone a secret or inside joke between you two...go out and make someone feel that they are your favorite but make sure that at the end of the day...you love everyone equally and let them know...

thank you lola for this lesson.

That's what friends are for and Paro Paro Bukid - Our song...CJ

This song is the first song Lola and I learned together. We used to sing it all the time and would pretend to perform for people. We had our own verse and sang at the top of our lungs!

Lyrics

And I never thought I'd feel this way

And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dionne-warwick-lyrics/that_s-what-friends-are-for-lyrics.html)
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

Paro paro bukid

She taught me this song at the age of 3 or 4 and I would perform it to everyone. I even would stand up on the middle of the table and used to get free desserts!

"Puede ko ba pakasalan ang apo ninyo?" by Neal Emery

Lola,

I will pass on as much knowledge as you gave me to Savannah as best I can... which will take me a while but she's willing to wait :)

My memories of her cannot be described in one passage but I can start with this memory of her.

March of 2008...

I sit in my room and practice my Tagalog... "puede ko ba", "puede ko ba paka salan","puede ko ba paka salan ang apo ninyo"... I am sweating trying to learn this phrase so that I can first ask Cherrie's parents that I can marry their daughter and then ask LOLA! I call up Tita Dolly and Tito Egay and say I was wondering what you are doing for dinner and I was hoping I could stop by for a little bit to "chat". I was continually repeating the phrase so that I don't mess it up. We sit and eat dinner and I asked them if it would be okay if I could join their wonderful family. Cherrie's dad who I was trying to impress said "I don't say much but I like you Neal so yea go for it" and Cherrie's mom said " That is a great idea, you will be a perfect match". After that I said there is one more person I would like to ask before I ask Cherrie. I said that I had been practicing my Tagalog and would like to ask Lola in Tagalog. Immediately Cherrie's mom said she wanted to hear it but I refrained and said I wanted to save it for Lola. So we all walk over to her house and there she was sitting on her usual chair near the kitchen looking past me saying "Where is Cherrie?" I said that I'm the only one here and that I have a question for her. She looked at me a bit confused but I took her hand so she could bless me and said Lola... "puede ko ba paka salan ang apo ninyo"... I was hoping to get a great reaction but she didn't hear me. I sat there as she looked around the room like what did he just say... So I spoke up for her again and said "puede ko ba paka salan ang apo ninyo" this time I'm sure she heard because she grabbed my shoulder and screamed with all of us in pure joy! Then being Lola and the teacher she always was said... "you need to put more emphasis on the UE in P-UE-DE!... I said okay Lola next time.

It was so fun to see her so happy and I will always remember her excitement for the simple things in life.

-Neal-